You are going to think about Aaron Rodgers whether you want to or not

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Aaron Rodgers is recovering from a torn Achilles

Aaron Rodgers is recovering from a torn Achilles
Photo: AP

If you thought a torn achilles meant you weren’t going to hear from Aaron Rodgers this year — Surprise! Aaron is going to make sure you think about him more than ever. No, seriously. You are going to eat Aaron Rodgers thoughts for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. He’ll make sure if it.

The last few years of Aaron Rodgers have been quite a ride. Here, for the sake of future generations, is a running list of the weirdest, most obnoxious, and downright insane things Aaron Rodgers has done (so far).

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You know that Aaron Rodgers is absolutely green with envy. This was supposed to be his season in the sun, forcing the Jets to put on their big boy pants and complaining about his receivers all the way to the Super Bowl. Instead, Rodgers has been relegated to the sidelines while the entire NFL universe freaks out over Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift.

You know Rodgers just seethes every time the camera is on Kelce. In order to swing the attention of the public back in his direction, Rodgers has gone full conspiracy nut, taking shots at Kelce for appearing in a commercial urging Americans to stay alive by getting both their flu shot and COVID vaccine at the same time.  going on the Pat McAfee Show and challenging esteemed scientist Dr. Anthony Fauci and Kelce to debate the COVID vaccine with him and wait for it….Robert F. Kennedy Jr. And let me say, I would pay BIG money to watch Dr. Fauci take Rodgers and his galaxy-brained takes apart.

Also, Aaron Rodgers would like you to notice that he’s been throwing passes on the field before Jets games. No, really. Notice. NOTICE!

Of course, Rodgers has no problem with modern medicine when it comes to repairing his torn achilles. Come on Aaron, you sheep, man up and rub some ayahuasca on it.

Hoo boy.

Hoo boy.
Image: Getty Images

Serious question: Do you think Aaron Rodgers has ever Googled “Robert Kennedy Jr.?”

On April 15, 2023, Rodgers tweeted out the following:

Fortunately for civilization, this is one of the rare times in social media when the replies will actually make you feel better about society.

You know you’re doing something wild when you wind up on Jesse Watter’s show. And while we’re here, you might as well Google “Jesse Watters” and “creepy,” just as a reminder of what a dolt that guy is.

In his lifetime, RFK Jr. has been alternately known for heroin possession, (alleged) womanizing, and being such an extreme anti-vaxxer that even his own wife and family told him to shut the hell up already. But sure, a guy who demonizes vaccines by spreading misinformation might make a great President.

Yeah, those are our articles,

Yeah, those are our articles,
Screenshot: Online Sports Database

How did we forget this one? Back in 2021, Aaron started up a sports website that was supposed to be like IMDB, but for athletes. Here’s how it went, per the piece our Sam Fels wrote at the time:

Rodgers and Ryan Rottman, a guy who looks like a character from The Social Network that all the other characters thought was dumb and annoying, bonded over their love of The Big Lebowski (familiar) and wondered why there wasn’t an IMDB for athletes. Rottman states that he’s an actor and producer, though his IMDB page makes those claims barely more credible than my claims to be Slash. Except such an idea already exists, basically, in the various sports-reference sites. But when you’re convinced of your own genius, things you don’t know aren’t to be learned but just obstacles that haven’t developed and hence you don’t have to consider.

So here it is, except there’s one major problem. The site’s “editorial” section grifted a bunch of articles from all over the place, including Deadspin.

So, yeah. That was a whole thing that happened. The Online Sports Database is still active, as far as we can tell, though we don’t know anyone who has ever used it for anything.

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At the time of publication, Aaron Rodgers and the Jets are still playing footsie under the negotiating table and, though we go through this every single year, this time feels like there might be something to Aaron’s annual “Oh yeah? Well maybe I’ll go play somewhere else!” temper tantrum. We get that he’s desperate to get out of Green Bay, but the Jets? There’s a reason 40 percent of Jets’ fans believe the NFL is rigged. The Jets are a historically terrible franchise, and it will take a whole lot more than an aging Hall of Fall QB to turn that around.

“It is my intention to play for the Jets,” Rodgers said on the March 15 episode of The Pat McAfee Show.

Look, who amongst us hasn’t been caught looking dumb on the ‘gram? #GramLife., amirite? You’re watching and laughing at a friend’s story and, next thing you know, you walk into the frame, do something stupid, and die of humiliation. But this…doesn’t appear to be that.

Kayleigh Teller (who is married to Miles Teller) has 750,000 Instagram followers, which means her content is likely very carefully curated, which means someone was clearly filming this for content, which means Aaron Rodgers was aware of said filming and still decided to do this. And by “this,” we mean rocking back and forth, not quite to the beat, while mouthing lyrics that he clearly doesn’t know, even though they appear to be written down on the papers right in front of him. This is why Insta is best left to the kids.

Just… weird, Aaron. You always make it odd.

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In an explosive 2019 Bleacher Report piece, former Packers’ teammate Greg Jennings recalled the time Rodgers chastised him for greeting his former QB, Brett Favre, when Favre was a Viking.

“This is the same quarterback who scolded [Jennings] for daring to speak to Brett Favre when Favre was a Viking. Jennings still remembers an incensed Rodgers saying to him after that 2009 game, “Why do you have to do that?” as if he were accusing Jennings of picking sides.“I can’t have a relationship with him because you have a problem with him?” Jennings says. “That’s petty! That’s not who I am.”

“I can’t have a relationship with him because you have a problem with him?” Jennings says. “That’s petty! That’s not who I am.”

And look, given everything that we know about Brett Favre, I wouldn’t want my teammates saying “hi” to him, either. But I have a feeling that wasn’t the way Aaron didn’t want his teammates talking to Favre. Again, just weird.

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This is another revelation from the Bleacher Report piece, wherein Jennings revealed that he knew his time in Green Bay was up the day Rodgers told 49ers players they should acquire Jennings — in the middle of a game.

“It was 2012, and the Packers were hosting the 49ers when, mid-timeout, cornerback Carlos Rogers playfully asked Jennings why he was running so many short routes.“You know how it is,” Jennings told him. “Contract year.”

That’s when Rodgers stepped in to say, per Jennings, “You guys should get him at the end of the year.”

Come again?

Jennings walked back to the huddle speechless.

The next year Jennings, who had been Rodgers’ No. 1 receiver for the previous three years, signed with Minnesota. According to Jennings, Rodgers made no effort to persuade him to stay in Green Bay, even though Rodgers had been a Thanksgiving guest at his home.

What a way to win friends and influence people, Aaron.

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Screenshot: Madison.com

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And being a weirdo who 1) worked ayahuasca into a touchdown celebration, which seems to fly in the face of the entire point of ayahuasca (I don’t know much about it, but what I do know suggests ayahuasca is not a capitalist and would not approve of the NFL); and 2) then getting all introspective about said touchdown celebration:

However, Rodgers also said he wanted to be sure he wasn’t “sending the wrong message” about ayahuasca.

“You’re not standing up drinking, having this Jesus revival, slaying in the spirit. It’s not like that,” he clarified. “You don’t have some immediate pass out into oblivion.”

When McAfee referred to the substance as a drug, Rodgers stopped him, saying he found the word “manipulative.” He said calling it a drug added to biases.

“Ayahuasca is not a drug,” Rodgers said. “It has properties in it that have hallucinogenic abilities. But it’s not a drug. We’re talking about plants here.

Okay Aaron, but cocaine also comes from plants. Are we not calling cocaine “a drug,” too?

Which reminds us…

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“I’m not, you know, some sort of anti-vax, flat-earther. I am somebody who’s a critical thinker.

Aaron Rodgers is a “critical thinker” in the same way the guy in the back of the class who raises his hand in high school to declare that the Civil War “wasn’t really about slavery” is a critical thinker. He read or heard something, found it provocative, and now is spewing it out for the entire world under the insincere guise of “Hey, I’m just asking questions.” This is how Joe Rogan conducts his entire career, and it’s devastating to many of us that the “I don’t know anything about this subject but I’m just asking these completely unfounded questions” has resonated with so many. And I don’t care where he went to school.

More on Joe Rogan in a bit.

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This our best guess as to what Aaron Rodgers sitting alone in complete darkness for four days to try to decide whether or not to play in the NFL next year will look like. For the rest of us, the thought of four days without having to hear from Aaron Rodgers sounds glorious, so yay. But imagine being a Packers fan and finding out this is how your QB is making decisions that will deeply impact your team.

I’m all for mediation and reflection, but the spiritual side of all this seems to be lessened by announcing to the world that you’re going into a darkness retreat. No one wants to know this. When Rocky went to Siberia to prepare to take on Ivan Drago, he didn’t go on TV and talk about it, Aaron. For crying out loud. He just did the thing.

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No doubt encouraged by seeing his name in headlines from sea to shining sea last week, Rodgers went on Pat McAffee’s show again and gave additional details on his upcoming isolation retreat, including offering up that he might film the whole thing.

“On Tuesday, four-time MVP Rodgers gave McAfee more details on what the retreat will entail, noting that he will eat once a day during his stay and hinted that he would “possibly” film the experience.”

Uh, isn’t this supposed to be in darkness? What the hell is he planning on filming? The dark? Himself sitting in the dark? JFC, Aaron.

Aaron would also like you to know that this isn’t just about his football career. This is about LIFE people.

“I think it’s going to be important to get through this week and to take my isolation retreat and just to be able to contemplate all things my future and then make a decision that I feel like is best for me moving forward, and in the highest interest of my happiness, and then move forward.”

Look, as someone who likes to experiment with mediation and intuition and herbalism, I get it. We’re all looking for something greater than ourselves, and often looking for a different path to get there than the ones we’ve been offered by western religion and medicine. But there are two kinds of people who are into this stuff: Those who do the work in silence and turn within themseles for answers, and those who document every moment of what is supposed to be an inner journey for the ‘Gram. One is seeking, the other is performative.

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If you are or have ever lived with a man, you have seen the put-the-toothpaste-in-your-mouth-not-on-the-brush thing. It’s gross, likely unsanitary (you aren’t supposed to touch the top of the tube with your unbrushed mouth twice a day), but it’s a thing.

Not for Rodgers, though, who believes he invented this trick out of necessity during his darkness retreat. When asked how he dealt with brushing his teeth in the dark in a recent podcast appearance with Aubrey Marcus (who has apparently also been on a darkness retreat), Rodgers triumphantly crows “I came up with a good idea. I put the toothpaste in my mouth. I was like ‘I’m the smartest person in the world!’”

Oh, come now, Aaron Rodgers.

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Have you ever seen the fantastic SNL skit where James McAvoy plays a guy from Philly coming up with slogans for Charmin? This was kind of like that, only way more self-indulgent and far less funny.

I can’t even bring myself to listen to this part of the podcast, so here’s what Sean Beckwith (who we made listen to the whole thing for journalism) wrote about it:

“The diet I was on lent itself to a lot of smooth No. 2s,” [Rodgers told Marcus within, like, 10 minutes of the podcast starting.] It’s a darkness retreat; I assume the only sustenance is berries and milk from various nuts. Rodgers said it was a lot of “two-wipers” and occasionally he felt like he “didn’t even need to wipe” at all. Aubrey countered with an anecdote from his own retreat where he ingested so much coconut oil he had violent diarrhea. And then the two of them talked about “Ghost shits,” which I guess is when you think you shit but didn’t. I’m not sure, and I’m not going to Google it.

Now we BOTH know about it. And you always need to wipe. Moving on.

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It came to our attention only today (honestly, this our beat, how did we miss this story?) that, upon meeting for Packers teammate DeShone Kizer for the first time, Rodgers asked him if he “believed in 9/11.”

During a recent interview, former Packers quarterback DeShone Kizer said that Aaron Rodgers once asked him whether he “believes in 9/11,” referring to the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks, during his first quarterbacks meeting with the team in ’18.

“The first thing that comes out of Aaron Rodgers’s mouth was, ‘You believe in 9/11?’” he said on The Breneman Show podcast. “‘What? Do I believe in 9/11? Yeah, why wouldn’t I?’”

To which Kizer said that Rodgers simply responded with, “Should read up on that.” Kizer said Rodgers wanted him to do research on some of the conspiracy theories around the event.

Remember, Rodgers has already declared himself a very critical thinker! So it’s YOU that is uninformed, sheeple.

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Hey, who wouldn’t take medical advice from this man? He’s always such a healthy-looking shade of salmon.

Back in 2021, after he got busted lying to the entire world about being vaccinated, Rodgers went on Joe Rogan’s podcast and thanked him for suggesting a “treatment plan” for Rodgers’ COVID, which included ivermectin (for humans or horses, we don’t know but you’re free to guess) and hydroxychloroquine — both of which multiple health organizations recommended against taking, especially without a doctor’s supervision.

“I really appreciate you and you helping me out during that time,” Rodgers said on the podcast. “I reached out to you, I think, beginning of the season … You helped me with a game plan to be ready in case I did get COVID. And I followed it to a T, and when I got COVID, within 36 hours I was symptom-free and feeling amazing.”

I would have dearly loved to have been a fly on the wall when Rodgers advised team doctors that he was taking horse dewormer because Joe Rogan told him to.

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Have you noticed an uptick in the US government shooting down unidentified flying objects? So has Aaron Rodgers, and he has a theory about it. No, it’s not because the US is looking for balloon-sized objects where they were before, it’s because the scary government is trying to distract you from looking at … Jeffrey Epstein.

“There’s a lot of old papers and files about interactions Navy pilots have had with unidentified flying objects, so this is not surprising,” Rodgers told Pat McAfee on Tuesday. “Obviously, there was some sort of Chinese spy balloon that was up in the air, allegedly, and there’s been a few other objects that have been shot down. I believe that this has been going on for a long time. Interesting timing on everything. There’s a lot of other things going on in the world.”

Rodgers and McAfee then went on to expound on the “crazy shit” going on in the world. And Rodgers had this extremely nuanced and well-informed take on Epstein:

“Did you hear about the Epstein client list about to be released? There’s some files that have some names on it that might be getting released pretty soon. [Ghislaine] Maxwell was the only person ever convicted of the trafficking, and nobody who was involved in the trafficking ever went to jail, so … nothing to see here.”

In all seriousness, this is one of the dumbest conversations about anything I’ve ever heard in my life, and the fact that people listen to these brainiacs opine on current events is mind-boggling and devastatingly depressing.

Julie K. Brown, a Miami reporter who has been covering the Epstein story since Day 1 and wrote an entire book about it, was understandably appalled at Rodgers’ continued spreading of misinformation:

But this is how misinformation spreads, no? Someone with a platform, who hasn’t bothered to do any research, “heard” about something, gets the story mostly wrong, tells someone else — who also hasn’t done any research, a giant game of telephone ensues and “jeffrey epstein chinese balloon purple monkey dishwasher” comes out. And when those who actually know better try to correct the record, they get called “stooges” by a bunch of idiots who never knew what they were talking about in the first place. Great work, Aaron.

If the Jets are reading this, sign Derek Carr! You don’t want this circus rolling into town.

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In yet another great moment on Rogan’s podcast, Rodgers recounted how the NFL sent “a stooge” to talk to players (“virtue signal,” as Rodgers said) about getting vaccinated for COVID. According to Rodgers, he “mopped the floor” with the poor NFL rep, who probably just wanted to get through his power point and get out of there.

“Day 3 of training camp, they sent this stooge in and he showed these slides on what your vaccination percentage was on your team, where you compare to the rest of the league,” Rodgers said. “And I started asking him questions about liability.”

Dude what? Liability for whom? Pharmaceutical companies? People who spread COVID? Whatever he’s talking about, it doesn’t impact him, and he should have been worried about the horse dewormer way more than the COVID vaccine. If someone raised their hand in the middle of my vaccine presentation to ask about “liability,” I would have no idea what they were talking about, and I used to be a lawyer. It’s a complete non-sequitur, but I’ll bet Aaron was really impressed with his own critical thinking skills on this one.

Imagine being sent by the league to convince players to get vaccinated and having to deal with Aaron Rodgers’ galaxy-brained ass. I hope the guy got a bonus.

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Not sure if this one is weird, selfish, or downright evil, but Aaron Rodgers told the world he was “immunized” against COVID when, in fact, he was not. He later admitted on Rogan’s podcast, where he found a friendly audience, of course, that he intentionally used the word “immunized” in the hopes that people wouldn’t ask him, specifically, if he’d been vaccinated.

Rodgers also blamed everyone else (just like with incompleti0ns) for his treachery, telling Pat McAfee:

“I realize I’m in the crosshairs of the woke mob right now so before my final nail gets put in my cancel culture casket, I’d like to set the record straight on so many of the blatant lies out there,” Rodgers said. “I’m not some sort of anti-vax flat-earther. I’m somebody who’s a critical thinker. I march to the beat of my own drum. I believe strongly in bodily autonomy. Not to have to acquiesce to some woke culture or some crazed group of individuals.”

There you have it, you crazed group of individuals. It’s all your fault that Aaron Rodgers had to lie. If you weren’t so WOKE, if you didn’t care so much about containing a deadly pandemic that has killed over a million Americans, he would never have been in this situation! You and your empathy for the public. Where’s your empathy for Aaron Rodgers?

Also, does anyone have any doubt that, if Joe Rogan or Jordan Peterson started “asking questions” about the earth being flat, Rodgers would be totally on-board? Have you ever seen the Earth from outer space? Have you? Well then you don’t really KNOW, do you? You only know what WOKE SCIENTISTS and VIRTUE-SIGNALING ASTRONAUTS have told you. Wake up, man. Quit being such a stooge for BIG SCIENCE.

Boom. Floor mopped.

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Screenshot: ESPN

Q-Aaron made his usual appearance on The Pat McAfee Show on Sept. 15, as he recovers from injury.

In discussing his rehab, Rodgers offered up this gem: “There’s ideas that some of the noises from the dolphins when they’re love-making, the frequency of that is actually healing to the body.” He called them “modalities.”

The New York Post reported that it obtained photos of a portable hyperbaric chamber being delivered to the QB’s Malibu home.

Not sure if he’ll sleep nude in it, believing it will give him sexual powers.

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Screenshot: FOX


[Ed. Note]: We never intended for this piece to be an ongoing documentation of QB Aaron Rodgers’ continuous batshit moments, but now we actually feel an obligation to put all this on Al Gore’s internet for posterity.

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