Everything you missed before and during the Super Bowl

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Gather round, children, and hear us tell tales of the first half of the Superb Owl.

Gather round, children, and hear us tell tales of the first half of the Superb Owl.
Photo: Getty Images

If you didn’t tune in to the Big Game until after the action started on the field, have no fear. All you missed was one of the worst pre-game shows in the history of television, laden with so much craven advertising that the Puppy Bowl looked like it was on PBS by comparison. We had a bizarre Sunday Ticket “In Memoriam” video package about the teams that didn’t survive the playoffs, as well as a retrospective on Travis and Taylor’s love story. But cheers to CBS for managing to include as few women in their pregame as I’ve seen in years, despite women making up nearly 50 percent of the NFL’s audience, by the NFL’s own accounting. What a terrible message for all the little Swifties watching!

Now that I’ve said my piece, here’s what you missed if you didn’t catch the pre-game or first half:

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Screenshot: The CW

“What’s up with the dab bod jokes?” was pretty much the first question Burleson asked Mahomes during their sit-down interview, and (for the first time), I actually felt bad for the KC QB. Sure, he has garbage bags full of millions and is featured in roughly every other commercial, and he keeps bringing his terrible brother everywhere with him, but who amongst us has not been the victim of some friend taking an egregious photo of us and posting it on social media? “I got a bad angle,” Mahomes protested, telling Burleson he does, indeed, have a bad bod, just not one that bad. Mahomes even mused over taking his shirt off at the end of the game, in an attempt to redeem himself.

Fair enough, Mahomes & Auto. Let’s normalize not laughing at people’s bodies.

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Image: Getty Images

Nobody really cares about this, but some of you probably had money on it, so here are the official results. By the way, former Minnesota Vikings kicker Chris Kluwe said on Bluesky that he can teach pretty much anyone to kick a field goal. After the kick, Kluwe said, “Gronk’s plant foot was too far in front, leading to his hips lagging behind on the kick, which pushed it right.” So there you go.

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Screenshot: Veozah

If you’re, say, one of those guys that loves to argue that there’s no way 47 percent of the NFL’s audience is women every time a woman brings it up, let me introduce to you this commercial for Veozah, which aired right before kick-off. If there’s one group who knows for sure who’s watching the game, it’s the companies that spend millions to get their ads front and center before their core audience. In this case, women dealing with the symptoms of perimenopause and menopause, which means women aged 40-55. Boom.

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Screenshot: Nickelodeon

Dora the Explorer is explaining holding to the kids, and Spongebob and Patrick are on color commentary, but Patrick’s main contribution so far seems to be yelling, “uh oh!” every time a flag comes out.

The Nick broadcast has better graphics, too:

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Screenshot: Nickelodeon

Why aren’t we all watching the Nick broadcast?

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Screenshot: Marvel/YouTube

You can check out the trailer and The A.V. Clubs’ breakdown of it here.

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Image: Getty Images

Taylor Swift, who made it to the game via private jet from Japan, was caught on the big screen during a time-out, and was booed while chugging a beer. Is nothing sacred anymore?

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Image: AP

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Image: Getty Images

It was an absolute beauty… which was fumbled away by Isiah Pacheco on the very next play.

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Screenshot: CBS

Literally took two steps onto the field, fell over, and got carted off. Word from the booth is that it was his Achilles.

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Screenshot: NFL

Brock Purdy —> Jauan Jennings —> Christian McCaffrey

Taylor and Blake are definitely starting to feel the heat:

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Screenshot: CBS

Meanwhile, Travis Kelce has been MIA most of the game, and he let Andy Reid have it over the way things are going.

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Image: Getty Images

Kansas City finally got on the board in the final two minutes of the first half, with Harrison Butker hitting a 28-yarder to make it 10-3 going into the half.

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Screenshot: Nickelodeon

I can’t tell you how much more enjoyable this broadcast is than the one on CBS.

“He’s really strong!” – Patrick Starfish

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Image: Getty Images

With 10 minutes left in the 3Q, 49ers’ receiver Deebo Samuel went down with a leg injury and was listed as questionable for the rest of the game.

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Image: Getty Images

Nothing really to add, just thought you should see it.

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Image: Getty Images

Harrison Butker made it 10-6, and who would have thought Patrick Mahomes couldn’t get the ball between the pylons?

Meanwhile, over on the far superior Nick broadcast, we’re talking about imaginary friends, how long Squidward has been in line for the bathroom, and the time Nate Burleson gave his crush a note at recess and she crumpled it up and threw it away. How do you not choose this over Romo & Nantz???

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Screenshot: Nickelodeon

“They kick it so hard!” – Patrick Star

The Chiefs were forced to punt, 49ers muffed it, Chief’s recovered at the San Fran 16, Mahomes tosses it to Marquez Valdes-Scantling. And just like that, it’s 16-10 Chiefs. This why you don’t let teams hang around!

Meanwhile, sideline reporter Sandy Cheeks (they always stick the women on the sidelines!) has abandoned any pretense of objectivity and is openly rooting for Patrick Mahomes. Journalism is dead.

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Image: Getty Images

After George Kittle saved the 49ers collective butts with a 3rd down conversion, Brock Purdy tossed it to Jauan Jennings to make it 16-13 49ers? Why only 13 points, you ask? Why because the extra point was blocked.

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Screenshot: Nickelodeon

I will not rest until CBS makes Nickelodeon a permanent part of their weekly broadcast.

“You know the players called ‘safeties?’Do they have to learn First Aid and CPR and all that stuff?” — Patrick Star

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Image: Getty Images

Harrison Butker comes through again for his team and, if KC winds up winning this, is going to have a really claim for MVP. We’re tied at 16.

Meanwhile, on the Nick broadcast, Spongebob has suggested that Taylor Swift sell her fingernail clippings on EBay. Why everyone is not over on the Nick broadcast, I will never understand.

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Image: Getty Images

Thank God for the kickers, because both teams are struggling to get it into the endzone, which doesn’t make for a great Super Bowl. Moody hits a 54-yarder to puts the 49ers up 19-16. If only the NFL scriptwriters had believed more in the Lions – Ravens storyline.

Now, we’ve got Patrick Mahomes with the ball with 1:40 left in the game, a chip on his shoulder, and a luxury suite of celebrities pulling for him.

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Image: Getty Images

We’re in Super Bowl OT for the second time ever and I am strongly leaning towards no more individual slides for field goals.

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Image: Getty Images

This time it’s Moody in OT, to make it 22-19 San Francisco. At this point, Spongebob comparing the NFL OT rules to a timeshare is the only thing keeping me going. I don’t even care who wins anymore, I just want to see someone get into the endzone.

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Image: Getty Images

One the ball got into Patrick Mahomes’ hands in OT, he did what he always does: Marched the ball down field at will and put it in the endzone. Chiefs win 25-22.

At least Taylor is happy.

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